"Happy Mother's Day 2020"
by Jamie Allen Bishop
Mother's Day can be a challenging day for many. Some have lost a mom, some have no mother figure, some have no babies, some have furry babies, some have a matriarch who makes them wish they had someone different, some have horrific memories to relate to Mother's Day, some have multiples of the above options, and some have challenges not listed here. This year creates a new and unique challenge for mother-based relationships - we're all still quarantined. Plus, many mothers fall into the category of "high-risk," so there's that to contend with this year. For many, Mother's Day is a day of angst, sadness, and dis-ease.
I am lucky. While some of those options fit for me, I consider Mother's Day a beautiful blessing.
First, I am fortunate enough to be a mother. I have an amazing child who is my precious angel. She has taught me so much in her 15 years, and I am extremely honored she "chose me out" (something she used to say to me when she was a toddler). She makes Mother's Day a genuine blessing to me, and I feel extraordinarily grateful to be her mama.
Second, I have an amazing mother who is my best friend and my whole heart. No matter where she is that feels like home to me!
While there have been times when my relationship with my mom was challenging, I have a huge amount of love, loyalty, and respect for her. I must admit, it is super fun that she is only 19 years older than me (by the way, mom, thanks for not having the doctor-recommended abortion in 1971). My mom and I have a friendship and kinship that makes ours a truly special bond.
Don't get me wrong! We've had our issues! There have been times in our relationship when I have avoided my mom; I have denounced her; I have been heartbroken by her; I have tormented her; and, I have even looked at her like she had three heads - all three of them looney. This tumultuous relationship is something many women go through with their moms, but please note it is not healthy to stay in the "danger zone" of any relationship.
(SOAPBOX: If you have relationship drama/trauma, there's no time like the present to fix it!)
My relationship with my mom drastically changed when I received a phone call from the hospital (we were across the country from each other) in mid-December not quite three years ago. She said, "I'm fine now, but I wanted you to know I needed emergency surgery today."
Honestly, I thought nothing of it. "Okay. Well, keep me posted," was my (normal) response to the call.
My mom has been in and out of the hospital over the course of my life (as have I), where she'd slipped and fallen, hurt her knee, shattered her ankle, and several other hospital-oriented injuries and surgeries. That said, my mom happens to be a nurse who has worked in many aspects of our country's amazing medical industry to include state-level surgical and hospital surveying as well as federal-level legal and regulatory compliance. I have a great deal of faith in her ability to navigate our medical system, so it didn't dawn on me to be unusually concerned.
Until I spoke with my brother (who was there with her).
His story was quite different from mom's. He received a call from mom saying she had called the paramedics, and they were on the way (to her house). He was on his drive to the hospital when he got a call from the hospital staff telling him to get there ASAP. He barely made it there in time to say hello when she "crashed" right there in front of him. From just beyond her bed, he watched them bring her back to life and rush her off to surgery.
My brother is not someone who deals with confrontation well, but when there's an emergency situation, he's your guy! He is a level-headed and strong man with seemingly rock-steady nerves who can handle anything!
I knew none of this until it was over. There was nothing I could do from across the country, so why worry me, too. Right?
When he recounted what happened, he said his skin went gray with concern and told me he was horrified while sitting there alone in the hospital awaiting news of our mom's status. (Poor guy! Can you imagine?)
Let me tell you from firsthand experience, a "come to Jesus" event like this changes a person's perspective of (and their patience level for) the faults of someone they love. That said, it's the work on self-love that helps even more!
There is nothing quite like being across the country with a dependent family of your own, and an employer without empathy, while your mom is recovering from such an experience. I felt completely worthless and totally helpless.
In my panic and guilt, I blamed her. I said something that really hurt her feelings just hours after her traumatic experience.
(Doh!)
Mom is a strong woman who always speaks her mind and who demands excellence. With the help of experts, she has learned to love herself enough to know that my words were not about her, so she knew not to take them personally, but words can still hurt. She took the (teaching) opportunity to let me know what I said was NOT OK.
My stubborn ass was like (thinking to myself), "Well, the truth hurts! I'm sorry you feel that way!" (My mom used to say the latter all the time!)
And, I could have kept that state of mind, deepening any wounds we had in our relationship. Holding true to the notions in my head, "I'm right; you're wrong" or "what about my feelings!"
However, what I realized in that moment of confrontation was that my feelings were not the only important feelings in this situation. It takes cajones to speak up when you have hurt feelings, rather than letting them fester and build. Another important thing happened. It dawned on me that I have worked on my self-worth enough to know this confrontation was an opportunity and a blessing for me to take responsibility and own up to my insecurity and guilt, which is what ultimately lead to my harsh comment.
Other mothers and daughters have not faired so well in similar situations. My suspicion is that those mothers and daughters have probably not received much (if any) self-worth guidance.
Gratefully, my mom survived this life-altering experience. She is alive and more beautiful than ever, and I am so lucky to have her in my life! My mom is such a gift to this world, and my life certainly wouldn't be nearly as wonderful without her.
I love you, mom. Happy Mother's Day!
Whether you are happy about Mother’s Day or not, I wish you all peace, joy, and love on this holiday and all days to follow.
Warmly,
Jamie Allen Bishop, MA
P.S. If you have a challenging relationship with someone you love, I welcome you to look deeper into YOU (ideally with the help of a professional) to find out why. Often times it is our own fears, insecurities, and self-loathing that brings out the "monster" in us to cause, maybe even antagonize, the unstable relationships in our lives. Before you are forced to face the reality of not having that person alive anymore, if you still hold anger or resentment toward a loved one or anyone, really, I highly recommend not waiting until they've crashed in the ER to realize your relationship - good, bad, or otherwise - starts with your relationship with yourself. Everyone needs to get the emotional support s/he needs to love herself/himself first. Only then will s/he fully grasp how much someone else is able to love and be loved... in their own special way. Seriously! Help exists for that very reason!
And, if you're someone who never knew their mom or never had a matronly role model you were excited to look up to, I welcome you to consider Mother Earth and/or the universal concept of Mother Sophia. Look to them and focus on how you have received support throughout your life from those mother figures.
When we focus on positive alternatives, we find love and healing.
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