"Survival Training: AKA Raising a Teenager" by Jamie Allen Bishop
Know anyone who is involved with the raising of teenagers? It's a big deal - surviving a child's teenage years. It would be my imagination that being involved in a teenager's life is akin to survival training, and it is my belief every person who gets through it deserves a metal of honor - the former teenager included.
While I do not claim to know what it is like (yet) to be a parent to a teenager, I have done enough soul searching to have what I consider sound advice (remind me to read this again in 5 years) for those of you who are in the midst of your personal survival training.
In fact, I recently sent the following to a good friend who is going through a bit of survival training:
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OMGoodness... Don't be silly! You're allowed to be annoyed with a teenager. (I think it may be a "job requirement" in parenting a teenager.)
Hang in there, sweety! S/he will grow out of it, but it won't be for a long while.
While the only experience I have is BEING the teenager, my feelings on the subject are that if you can remember her "problems" are real to her/him, and the skills s/he acquires in dealing with problems now are the same skills s/he will use when s/he's an adult - with adult problems. It is extremely important to help guide her/him to be the kind of person s/he wants to be. The only way to help her/his awareness is by asking questions instead of telling her/him what to do or how to do it.
I remember my problems feeling so overwhelming, and (unknown to my mom) I wasn't getting nearly enough sleep (I was awake most of the night talking to friends). My mom was a stickler for getting me up by 7am - even on weekends. As a result, my body was always in "stress mode." (I can't imagine how high my cortisol levels were... dangerously high, I'm guessing!) I remember my problems feeling just as hard/challenging/important to me then as my problems are to me now. She's new at problem solving... and problems are never easy to manage.
(I know you know all that already. Sometimes it takes a reminder - from a friend - to acknowledge that you, too, are dealing with a whole new set of problems to solve that require a whole new set of problem-solving skills.)
The only other advice I know to be true is this: don't ever ask God for patience, as s/he'll always send you experiences where you'll REQUIRE patience. Instead, ask for kind and loving moments with your teenager. Then, when they happen (and they will - even if they are few and far between), allow yourself to feel them with grace and a wide open heart... and always praise your child for providing that kind of moment for you.
In the meantime, KUKY (pronounced "Koo-key"... as in "when someone does something a little strange or unusual"):
1) Keep your heart close to yourself (only you can allow yourself to feel hurt);
2) Understand that complaining to friends is expected and allowed... always... about anything!!!;
3) Know that when s/he says hateful things, those comments are far more about how s/he feels about herself/himself (gives 'em a totally different perspective, thinking this way, eh?); OR those comments are about how high her/his stress levels are (which means s/he needs time to calm down)... and (most importantly) that those negative words are NEVER about you (or your parenting skills); and
4) You are the BEST mom you can possibly be! (...so quit being so hard on yourself!)
...and know you're loved! BIG HUGS...
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There's a whole bunch of advice I'll need when the time comes (I'll keep you posted).
In the meantime:
(1) Try to remember to ask questions instead of demanding actions. For example, "Is your trash going to breed microbials or smell?" vs. "Take out the trash." (...though I caviat this example with an acknoweldgement that some teenagers only hear orders.) So, perhaps that's the question, "Would you rather I give you orders, or would you like to be proactive in contributing to this household?" (aka, Take out the trash.)
(2) FLY - First Love Yourself. When you look at other people's actions through the glasses of LOVE, others' mistakes are clearly not about you, but rather about where that individual is with him/her self.
and
(3) Seek Support. It's okay to ask for emotional support - from friends, family, and/or professionals. This is a hard time, and it's A-OK to get the help and support you need to survive it.
After all, it may take Survival Training to raise a teenager.
Best of luck, and I'll let you know when I'm ready for advice from you (or you can dish it out in the comments). ;-) BIG HUGS to all of you who are learning more than you ever thought you would about raising teenagers (aka Survival Training).
