"3 Steps to Healthy Boundaries" by Jamie Allen Bishop
"Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. You have found the edge where their respect for you ends." ~Unknown
Relationships are simple... until they're not. Complications come when you don't know (or you don't communicate) your own boundaries. Clear communication is the lock, but the key is knowing what you want.
Have you ever said, "No," to someone and they reacted with contempt or disdain? Did they try to guilt you into saying yes, or try to intimidate you into making the decision they wanted you to make? Did they take physical action to get you to say, "Yes" or just ignore your opinion altogether?
Those people are called bullies (at best) and abusers (at worst).
Have you ever found yourself having an overly physical or emotional reaction to someone when they did
not agree with you?
I am going to be straight-forward here in saying your over-reaction might make you the bully or the abuser.
There's no sense denying it. If you're over the age of two, you absolutely HAVE used guilt, intimidation, or physical compromise to get someone to make a decision you wanted them to make. And, when you're a parent, you're even more likely to fit into this category!
The truth is, everyone wants to have others see things their way, and some refuse to see things in any way but their own. The question is to what extent is wanting agreement, expecting agreement, or demanding agreement acceptable? In our world today where it seems like everyone is taking sides, I can't help wonder where we lost the ability to agree to disagree.
Even when the desire to force someone to see things your way stems from a sense of caring for their safety, are our opinions all that really matter to us?
Setting healthy boundaries for yourself, and possibly your children, comes with no compromise. But, there is
always a win-win scenario. The win-win solution may take time to determine, but it is always an option.
Three solutions to setting healthy boundaries, particularly with loved ones who have a tendency to trounce all over them are:
(1)
Know Your Boundaries. As we have all experienced at one point in time or another, our expectations not being met has caused us to be disappointed and sometimes even depressed. I would even wager to say that unexpressed expectations are the root of 90% of the unhappiness in the world. When we communicate what we want (our expectations), and when we are clear in that communication, we are 100% more likely to get exactly what we want. After all, our loved ones want to keep us happy.
Be clear with what you want and not only will you have it sooner than later, but also it will come in a harmonious way.
(2)
Communicate Consequences. Every rule and expectation has a bending point. It's important to be clear about what you are and are not willing to accept when it comes to your boundaries. The grey area may need to be defined, too.
I have worked for multiple employers with a zero-tolerance policy for being late to work. As someone who typically runs late to just about everything in my life, it's amazing how much more respectful I was of their time (and my own) knowing this boundary wasn't to be crossed. When my employer's boundaries were more flexible with the timing of my shift, I may have been late showing up, but if so, I was always the last one to leave. The employers who realized this about me - that my work ethic was not compromised because I was late in arriving - are the companies that still thrive today. In fact, those are the companies that practice more appropriate office hours for today's working environment - flex and home-based work hours. These companies were willing to come up with a win-win scenario for the people who don't fit into the traditional workweek. These companies earn 80% more in profits when compared to those companies stuck in yesteryear with ideas of what makes a reliable and valuable employee.
What are the grey areas of your boundaries? Make sure you know them because unless you do, others will test them for you until you do know exactly what they are. And, sometimes being pushed past grey into the black-and-white zones can cost you a relationship.
(3)
Follow Through. Have you ever heard the well-known sales saying that the fortune is in the follow-up? Setting healthy boundaries is not enough. Follow-through on consequences is what will make or break your boundaries. First, you must communicate what the consequences are, and second, you MUST be willing to enforce those consequences.
For example, we have an ideal teenager. She is honest, respectful, and loving. Does she make mistakes? Of course. Do we make mistakes? Of course. But her early life has set the tone for her behavior now. If we called her to us and she wasn't in front of us by "0" in a countdown of 3... 2... 1... 0, the consequence was sitting in time out (unadulterated torture to a youngster). This is probably the most important rule we had in place... and still is. Guess what "time out" for a teenager is? Yep - screen time... otherwise known as social media jail!
Our daughter has not had to endure social media jail for ignoring us when we request her presence because when she hears that countdown - 3... 2... 1... 0 - she comes running... still! This is because we followed through with her consequence when she was a toddler. And, by the way, when she was an active, curious toddler, this countdown definitely saved her life a few times. (There's nothing scarier to a parent than when their child goes running after a ball toward a busy street. The consequences of that countdown - 3... 2... 1... 0 - were what made her hightail her tush away from the street and back to safety... running in our direction to make it to us before that "0" was said aloud.
If you use these three ways to set healthy boundaries in your relationships - knowing boundaries, communicating consequences clearly, and following through with consequences - you'll have happy and loving relationships that thrive your whole life through.
After all, when it comes right down to it, most of us want to please the ones we love. If we're clear about what is and is not acceptable, and we know the consequences of when someone doesn't comply with our boundaries, the likelihood of us putting up with anything less than exactly what we want diminishes substantially. The funny thing is that when we know what pleases our loved ones and when we know their boundaries, we have a tendency to respect them so much more, and that respect allows us to give them what they want more often than not.
I mean, seriously?! Boundaries are not difficult to set. Even a win-win solution that involves agreeing to disagree is
always an option. The world might even be a boring place if we all agreed about everything. Right!?
If you have any stories about how setting healthy boundaries has positively affected your life, I'd love to read them in the comments below.
Yours sincerely,
Jamie A. Bishop, MA
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@SoulHeartEntertainment
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